Friday, March 18, 2011
Hesitation. . .
So, it's somewhat obvious that I haven't written in. . . a while. (Like, since the day I created this blog.) I've been thinking about why that is. I get these funny ideas in my head about writing the "right" thing or writing something meaningful or valuable or worthwhile. I sign into this blog and the weight of these ideas overwhelms me and I sign right back out. And knowing that this blog is public intensifies those feelings. I worry about the things I write being judged or debased. That's probably why I've had such a hard time telling even people close to me that this blog exists. (I've officially told three people, and I told one of them knowing full well that she would have no idea what a blog is or how to access it.) But the thing is that this is my blog. No one else in the entire world has to read it. If someone reads it and doesn't like what I have to say, they are perfectly free never to read it again. If someone reads it and leaves horrible comments, that's just another person's opinion (and I can just delete them if I want). And the other thing is that if I only write when I feel like what I have to say is valuable or meaningful or "right," I may never write anything at all. And I may miss out on a lot that is, in fact, valuable and meaningful. I think one of the tricks to creating something worthwhile is being willing to slog through creating crap on the off chance that there's a gem in there somewhere. And there's something valuable in the willingness to put oneself out there, even if we're afraid that what we're putting out there may not be up to other people's standards. (And it occurs to me that my standards for what I create tend to be much less reasonable and more judgmental than other people's standards for what I create.) So here I go, and we'll see what comes of it all.
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Okay, over the past 24 hours I have come to a greater realization of how pathetic I am. I told my niece (she was person # 3) about this blog and since that time I have checked the it for comments more times than I can count. I may as well be running around yelling "Validate me! Validate me!!!" *SIGH*
ReplyDelete"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly, only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding... ear." --Stephen King
ReplyDelete"I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood. That the speaking profits me, beyond any other effect...And of course I am afraid, because the transformation of silence into language and action is an act of self-revelation, and that always seems fraught with danger...We can learn to speak when we are afraid in the same way we have learned to speak when we are tired. For we have been socialized to respect fear more than our needs for language and definition, and while we wait in silence for that final luxury of fearlessness, the weight of that silence will choke us. The fact that we are here and that I speak these words is an attempt to break that silence and bridge some of those differences between us, for it is not difference which immobilizes us, but silence. And there are so many silences to be broken." -- Audre Lorde
Two great quotes that I was reminded of after reading this post. Thought I would share. :)